it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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