Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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