You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
