Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
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I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
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The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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