you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
