just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
They are going to name an STD after you.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
