It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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