Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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