I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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