Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
