she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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