oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
