I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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