Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
