There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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