"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
