watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
