There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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