Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
