i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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