I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
