i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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