That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
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some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
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I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.