i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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