Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
