I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
