Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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