The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
