god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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