just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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