FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
