I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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