I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
