Who wears a wallet chain?!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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