Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
