Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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