this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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