My sheets look like a crime scene.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
