Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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