If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
