Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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