Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize