We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
