I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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