The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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