just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
