Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize