So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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