Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
