My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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