Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
