did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
