Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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