I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
