i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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