after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
