Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
