I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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