I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
