im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
