My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
