I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
